Numbing

It's generally understood

What humans do

When they try to numb their pain

But have you heard

About numbing the love

Because you are afraid

Of opening up

Of being seen

Letting someone in

You'd almost rather feel the familiar pain of isolation

Than the unfamiliar territory

Of intimacy deepening

Expanding, demanding

More and more vulnerability

No matter how safe

1/11/18

The Moon and The Tide

Maybe love

Is the moon and the tide

The ebb and flow

The push and pull

Maybe love

Is the stars and the sun

The light and dark

The day and night 

Maybe love

Is me and you

You and me

Separate yet one

Disconnected, reconnected

As we trust to let go

Who am I without you?

I am whole

1/7/18

Unapologetic

As if the sun coming through the trees feels threatened by the shade. 

And the canopy of leaves feels shame, for taking this light away from foliage underneath, that thrive in the temperature of darkness anyway.

As if my heart beating in my chest stopped to catch its breath and wondered what the body thought of all it’s pumping. 'Am I doing okay' it never asks, it only knows by how things go and keep on going. And even when it ends no apology is spoken. 

Nature exists, unapologetically. 

And I find her living, breathing, beating inside of me.

Asking me to rain without complaint

To shine without remorse

And move like the ocean on the shore

Sometimes soothing

Sometimes roaring

Always in loving kindness with myself

1/6/18

Softly all my hopes and dreams

Fly into the winter sky

I cannot call them back

Lost to the dimming light

Taken by the southern sun

Hiding in it's solstice of dark. 

12/24/17

His love

Is warm like the sun

And I'm wet

Like the rain

And together we cultivate a world

Where magic grows

12/22/17

Falling Asleep

Comfortable you

Comfortable your arms

Comfortable your body against mine

I hear your heart

I feel you breathe

I drift

Out of consciousness

And into you and me

12/22/17

All along there I was

Holding my breath

Afraid that if I let it in

This air would suffocate me

Not realizing

By withholding the very thing

I feared

Trying so hard to protect myself

And keep it away

I was killing myself

- What closing up feels like 

12/20/17

Puzzle That I Am

What thoughts are these

Going in circles

What feelings

Mixed up and

Messy

Knotted

Jumbled

Confused about identity

Depressed about being able to change

I'm lost inside

And introverting

Who am I to reach out

I have no words to say

They die before they make it out of my mouth

I'm closing off

Trying to solve this puzzle

That I am

With pieces missing

Or disfigured

How can I put them together

They make no sense

Some of these pieces don't even go

Together

Taken from other puzzles

Randomly thrown into mine

What am I expected to make out of this

Mess?

I can't create a cohesive picture out of this

I'm actually trying to reject pieces of myself

The ones that came from trauma

I think they don't belong here

That they're not mine

Put there by the abusers

And generational pain

Pain that got passed down to me

That isn't mine

But IS mine

Because they hurt me too

In all the ways that they were hurting

So I carry these pieces I hate

I want to destroy them

But they're indestructible

I can't just throw them away

Or toss them into the fire

Or bury them in the ground

They're here to stay

Leaving me questioning

How do I integrate

These pieces of myself

I want to lock away

I don't recognize as safe

They don't fit the picture

Of who I think I am

Or rather.... Want to be. 

12/7/17

Yearnings of an Introvert

Feeling lost 

When I can't find you

Such limited time and space

Outside of any role I play

I long to connect with this person

I feel as though I barely know

We spend so little time

Alone

I miss you, dearest self

12/3/17

Southern Sun

South is the sun

The days become

Colder, darker

My love introverting

Turning towards the depth of you

Inside me

Like Chopin melodies

You move me

Sweetly, softly, expressively

Intensely

So intensely

Loving...fucking...dreaming

Dreaming of colder days and

Darker skies

When all we are

Shivers from the cold

I move in closer

To feel your heart beating

Your body against mine

Take me into you

Let me rest inside

My love

Introverting

Turning inward

Inside you

Inside me

Tenderly

I lose myself

Submission is all that's left of me

11/25/17

Suffocating

If only life could stop breathing

Just hold it's breath

So that I could find some air

It's taking it all from me

Leaving me none

And I suffocate

11/20/17

Compersion

Compersion 

That elusive gem

That shimmers like a snitch

In the sun

So hard to pin down

Just out of reach

Teasing me

Then disappearing

Right when I think

I've caught it

11/6/17

Love and Pain

Hold me

I'm letting go

I'm shutting down

I'm giving up

My heart for a stone

The fear of loss

The hardwired

Mixture of love and pain

Deep in my brain

Sends me running

Running away

Hold me

I'm fading

Love

Opens me up

It feels too raw

Too exposed

Love

I'm not feeling you

For when I do

I feel all the pain

All the wreckage

All the nights

Alone

All the times I called your name

And no one came

Love

You monster

You tease me

You make me believe I can't trust

I was taught love

Looked like absence. 

So when I start to feel

Something deep

Something real

Something so intimate

It consumes my heart

In shades of adoration

And absolute affection

I start to feel the familiar fear

Tagging along

And I shut it down

I turn off the feelings

I bury them in the ground

Hide them away

To keep them safe

From hurting me

So hold me

Don't let me go

Don't let me run away

From the pain

Hold me down

Hold me still

Hold me tight

Hold me close

Make me feel

All of it

As intense as it comes

Till I think I'm consumed

Let the pain fill my lungs

And I'm breathing the fear

In and out

In and out

Breathe it all out

Till there's nothing left inside

But the love

10/31/17

Humanity Beating

Hush, listen she said

The sound of our hearts beating in our heads

The sound of their hearts beating in our wombs

The sound of humanity beating in our chest

Don't let it rest

It's all we have left

To help us not forget

We are all made of blood, pumping

When we hear the thumping

It's rhythmic, steady drumming

We're listening to the heartbeat of the world

Their hearts beat just like ours

Their blood carries the same air

Why do we think their pain is so different from our own?

The Earth is our second womb

The one we share with everyone

It's living, breathing, feeding us

And when we die

Our bodies nurture the soil

That nurtures the air

That feeds the veins

Of the next generation

All of humanity lives inside us

Why do we think we are separate? 

Hush, listen she said

The sound of our hearts beating in our heads

The sound of humanity beating in our chest

The sound of

Humanity 

Beating 

In our chest

10/27/17

Familiar

Familiar

Your smell

Instills my mind with calm

Your touch on my skin

And all at once

I'm flooded

With pleasure

Near to you

And all is well

Your arms

Hold inside of them

The space where I feel safe

And never alone

I'm melting into you

Melting into me

Inside you

Inside me

You

Me

There is no more us

Time and space collapse

All blurred into nothingness

As I climax

And explode

With love 

10/18/17

Backed Against A Wall

In hindsight I find myself backed against a wall. The solid structure forcing me to stay within perameters of belief, behaviors once seen as wrong, now opening the floodgates to experience. That wall you tried to build around me crumbles to the ground. It shook in the earthquake of questions, too many cracks, too many holes, it was never really made of stone, all along a facade. Just like all your threats and promises, those were never truth or reality, but a mirage, stringing me along. 

I wake to find that my core self is strong. Standing on this blue dot, alone, but unafraid. Pushing past the limits of time and space, what matters most, they say, is not just to be heard, but to be understood. The myriad human experiences in one long chain, generations perpetuate hate and anger and pain. Do we continue to evolve, one lifetime at a time, though one person's born, then dies - can this life of mine, help push my race forward so that eventually, my great grandkids will live without fear, without borders, without guns, without violence, without divide? Can humans really learn to love? Can we make space for everyone? Someday I'll die, my life is done, I'll never see what becomes of all of us. And yet... I still hold hope in humanity. Hope that one day we'll be free from the tyranny of lies. Lies that keep us separate, disconnected, afraid to love. And once we're free, we'll see, that all of us on this planet we call home, the Earth and all its creatures, are really one. 

10/15/17

Boxes

Boxes 

Of relationship 

I put him in the red box 

She put me in the blue one 

This represents the limits 

Of our love 

Placed inside 

Contained 

A life within a life 

Compartmentalized

There is no way 

To expand or grow 

Outside of this 

And when the box grows 

Outdated 

It's put away 

Or made smaller to make space 

For other newer, more extensive 

Boxes 

My love put me in a box 

To keep me safe 

From taking up too much space 

Because that is the nature 

And limitations

Of time 

And life 

It cannot change 

So here I am 

Waiting 

For love to grow 

For relationship 

To exist 

The next time you can join me 

In my box

10/12/17

Noise

Noise 

So much noise 

Loss 

Intense 

Empty spaces 

Filled with pain 

Filled with fear 

It's all breaking and crumbling 

Trauma 

Taking control 

Creating chaos 

Dysfunction destroying 

Wrecking the walls 

Of my carefully built 

Time consumed 

Structure of safety 

The place I call home 

My oasis 

With one small look 

One small voice 

One small push 

It all topples over 

Shaken from the foundation 

Splitting my soul apart 

Into pieces 

Tearing me up from the inside 

Ripping away my sense of solidity 

My security 

Torn out of my hands 

Taken with force 

And being dragged away in front of me 

Powerless to get it back

10/4/17