The voice that says
I'll never
Be enough
Unworthy
Of love
Defected in some way
Is the voice
Of shame
It started as a little child
All the lies
Implanted in my brain
The times I felt so punished
Alone, unloved
Afraid
My mother cried
Victimized
I listened but I couldn't
Understand
I was just a child who
Internalized
Her pain
Growing up
Looking for love
Feeling barren
Inside
I had a hard time loving myself
And reaching out
My heart was bound
By shame
Happy moments
Where life seemed bright
I was still
Insecure Inside
I kept my feelings
Locked in so tight
Relationships
Were hard
Going on to foreign lands
To fulfill a dream
An ideologic path
Of service, love
And sacrifice
I thought would give me
Happiness
And self worth
But I was wrong
The voice of shame
Was too strong
Expectations
Were too high
Constricted by rules
And demands
Half the time I lived
A lie
Unauthentic and
Depressed
My health declined
Coming home
I met a man
Too perfect
So it seemed
He fit my every dream
I thought he was meant
For me
But when he said goodbye
I felt so broken inside
It was my fault
I thought
I wasn't good enough
After all
Then B---- came into my life
Completely sweeping me away
We shared a common
Brokenness
Our souls connected
Consumed by love's
All encompassing flame
But maybe we both had wounds too deep
For real peace
A constant chaos
My family tried to stop us
They fought
They were afraid
But fear is never a good place
For acceptance or love
B---- saw into my heart
He dug into my mind
He wove apart all my beliefs
Untangled them
And set me free
Or so it seemed
With all my defenses gone
I broke all of my promises
To be chaste and "clean"
I gave him all of me
I did it willingly
Right away I broke it off
Simultaneously
I broke his heart
Fear had seized
I fell apart
Hopelessly I sank
So deep
Under the weight
Of shame
But pain brings growth
I found someone
So good, so kind
So sweet
It was hard
To trust in love
I thought
It would only be
Like the one patterned
From my young memory
A repeat
Of a broken past
My parents image of
Marriage
So hard, so filled with pain
I was so afraid
But somewhere way deep inside
He made me feel safe
And so somehow
I stayed true
I took upon his name
Marriage to this gentle man
Has been my healing balm
He bound up the wounds of my soul
He knitted up my broken heart
He let me be who I am
He held me all the times
I cried
He listened to my feelings
He was sensitive
To my scars
Diving into the depths
Of my brokenness
We reached the roots
Of my pain
The man I loved
Called out my shame
Gave it a name
And opened my eyes
To every reason
I hurt inside
I've learned that love can be
Unconditional
And my imperfections
Are what make me
Beautiful
That it's not always
My fault
And what I feel
Is okay
Sometimes the voice of shame
Still tells me,
"You're not good enough
Or worthy of love
Just give up
You cannot trust"
But now that
I can see past
I tell that voice
To BACK OFF
And go away
It's hard sometimes
It's really tough
The trenches of shame
Have been dug
So deep within
My brain
I untangle
The web
Day by day
I move closer and closer
To freedom
From shame
